A different place

Music: Kate McGill

Mood: Quiet/excited/nervous.

The physical place I am in is the same. But the place I am in is different.

Taking the long way around to become myself.

Finally.

No more of me being the person who wanted so much to be someone. Am finally the person becoming someone. I can look back now and I can look forward. I am in the middle.

Am thinking about the end of the year. About all the things I have done. All the things I have thought about. All the ways I have changed but am still the same.

I still play piano.

Music still means the world to me.

And I still procrastinate.

But now I procrastinate at doing different things. More meaningful things.

Am still waiting for the year to be over but am not waiting stationary. Am moving towards the end of the year. Instead of patiently waiting, am moving, jogging, running, towards 2012.

The future isn’t the only thing I have.

Am proud of myself. For everything I have done. And the things I have not yet done. Am proud of the way I continue to grow and continue to care, more, everyday.

Am still the girl who waits but now am also the girl who runs toward what she is waiting for.

Sparks

Me, Em

Isn’t it strange how we become different people

Music: Me

Sometimes I write music and the world makes sense.

Thought I’d share.

 

Hello 2011,

You will be everything I want you to be.

 

I’m excited, are you?

Huh

Sometimes things just seem like they are starting to work out and you cautiously, ever so cautious, inch your way into the future. Afraid to get hurt but afraid not to.

~ Sparks

A Year Ago Today…

I lost someone, remembering what happened still hurts. I miss you.

~Sparks

Just Need To Do

Music: Kate Earl – All I Want

I’m currently reading An Abundance Of Katherines. The first John Green book I’ve read. So far it’s been interesting, I’m still waiting for it to grab me and make me pay attention. I really want to read Looking For Alaska but I don’t know if my library has it. I’ve been reading some really good books lately. I think it’s because I’ve been reading in moderation so I’ve been a little more focused on what I’ve been reading instead of just shoving it away somewhere in my brain.

I quite the book club. Only one other girl besides me was showing up and  the person who was running it is no longer running it and it’s someone new who isn’t really running it that well and they changed the time that it is too so I can’t get there on that day. It’s a shame because I kind of liked being in a book club, it really made me think about the book I was reading more so I could talk about it with someone and I could state my opinions about it in a more thought out way.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about life and where I’m going and how I’m getting there. It’s been keeping me up at night. The future is such a big place, I mean you could be anything, you could accomplish anything. I guess it really makes you decide what is worth it and what is not. I need to stop being in my head so much I need to come out more.

I feel like sometimes when I come out of my head though and tell people what I’m thinking, either I burden them with my thoughts and feelings or they don’t agree with anything I say. Which kind of means they don’t agree with me. Some of it though is me just overthinking and not staying out of my head for 5 minutes.

Singing class has been the bane of my existence. But I am not quitting it because no matter how much it’s annoying me I know in the long run it will be good for me. Make me step pass unneeded boundaries I have placed up that need to be broken down.

I haven’t written a new song since FAWM. I always do this, I say after FAWM I’m going to write more and then… I don’t. I really need too because I have been having a really stressed-out-of-my-head passed few days and I need to get my boiling emotions out of me  in the best possible way… Music!

I’ve been watching way to many Youtube vloggers instead of watching all of my Tv shows… Trading one vice for another. Though on the other side I am very wall versed in Youtubers, now if I could only put these talents into something that wasn’t slacking off…

I went to a booksale the other day… I got yummy books. I bought my favorite Maureen Johnson book for 25 cents. It was awesome, now I need to find space on my shelves for all of these books…

I’ve been  neglecting photography… And painting… And basically anything that I should and want to do. I get to the point sometimes where I feel  so overwhelmed with stuff to do that I end up not doing anything because I’m to afraid to jump into doing anything when I should just jump in because in the long run it will be way better for me.

I’ve been having trouble lately staying goal focused. I don’t know why and the past few days I’ve been trying to figure it out. My mind is a deep and cavernous place. And god it takes a long time to figure it out. I’ve just put it down to the fact that I have many reasons for the fact that I can’t stay focused on things that matter and maybe trying to figure out why is not the best possible thing I need to do now.

I think I just need to stop.

Stop analyzing every little freaking thing I do.

I just need to do.

~ Sparks Out ~

After I Loved You I Saw Your Flaws

Music: Ellie Goulding – Lights

… Yeah, I could start this out by talking about the fact that I haven’t written in a while but I decided that’s been done by me and other people way too many times before and I hate things when they’re repeated so I shall shut up and not say it.

I’ve been thinking… And jokes about how rare that is aside (as for me it’s usual anyway, so screw you) I haven’t had any major breakthrough Eureka moments yet but when I do, I will be sure to tell you.

I don’t know, everything is just kind of complicated seeming right now. But I’m working on it, I’m working on it all and that is really all I should ask of myself but I always ask so much more of myself. I don’t know.

Is it simply enough to live life?

I guess what I’m saying is: I want more. I want more opportunities, I want more time, I want more understanding, I want more. It’s all I really want.

And I want less: I want less stress, less pain, less confusion, less procrastination.

I’m going to work on that.

~ Sparks Out ~

Yeah March is almost over and April is up now…

Music: Wye Oak – I Don’t Feel Young (just heard it five minutes ago for the first time, it’s my new anthem)

Mood: Happy.

So today I played at my third recital… And it was… Wait for it… AWESOME! I played really well and was only a little slow on the timing. I played Hello by Evanescence. It was wonderful and I accidentally out shown everyone. Sorry about that everyone, I didn’t try to, I just practiced really really hard and for a long time. Look where practice will get you eh?

So I haven’t posted on here of late and I don’t really care.

I have to clean like a mad person and eat and then I want to watch The Corpse Bride. I just bought it a few weeks ago.

Last weekend I spent with my sister. Took a lovely walk through her town.

It has been so amazingly hot for the east coast for March I mean it really feels like spring.

In other news I love ties.

I’m trying to stop watching so many TV shows as it’s gotten quite ridiculous, I’m down to only watching: Lost, Community, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Gossip Girl, Lie To Me, Flashforward, Supernanny, Better Off Ted and Modern Family.

I know it’s still ten but I’m working on watching less. I love all those shows! I’ve already stopped watching Castle and Make It Or Break it neither of which were that interesting.

I’ve been doing some spring cleaning myself. Clearing out some old childhood toys I don’t want anymore. I went through my books and donated some to my local library and I recycled notes and pictures and papers and just stuff I don’t need any more. Next it’s time to go into the attic and get all of my boxes of old dolls and stuffed animals down and get rid of most of them.

I like cleaning; it gives you less of the feeling of being tied down, tied to stuff. I have too much stuff. Today is the first day of spring.

I just read an amazing book, it’s called Shattered. It’s about this girl who plays the violin and runs away when her dad, in a fit of anger, destroys it… Yeah these are the kind of books I read. I’ve been reading some really depressing emotionally terrible books lately. I love them and read them like nobody’s business but at the same time they can be emotionally draining. I think I need to read a comedy.

I made a Peanut butter cup brownie bottom cheesecake for my brothers 19^th birthday. It came out amazing. I was really proud of it. And I think he really liked it, so that was good. Oh and I made these awesome little breaded chicken nugget like things. They were amazing.

So I’m going to go do other busy like things. I like nice weather. Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend… I want to play more music! Yeah.

~ Sparks Out ~

FAWM ended March is up

Music: FAWM jukebox.

Mood: Great! Fine! Wonderful! Don’t ask!

FAWM is over… Yes again I talk about the FAWM. This is the last time (probably (maybe)). I ended up with 3o songs. 7 demos. I’m planning on recording more demos when I get my voice completely back. I got sick. The last week of FAWM. That sucked. But I’m getting better now.

Haven’t done much else. Watched the Olympics like, well, someone who was addicted. I watched almost every single event, it didn’t help that I was sick so all I wanted to do was laze around and watch stuff.

This month I face: being behind in almost everything, getting over this sickness, and practicing for my annual recital.

Considering shutting down this blog… Don’t know why. I just thought of it. I can never devote enough time to it and I don’t even know why I have it. Maybe it’s just something to write on when I have nothing (or everything) else to do? Dunno. Does anyone read this?

‘Tis cold as crap but is somehow starting to feel like spring. Am finding there are always things to be done and I don’t want to do them or I want them to be easy(ier).

Singing class is going surprisingly good, for once. I’m almost enjoying it. FAWM did help with that some I think.

I like writing songs. I’m just going to say it once.

Next Sunday is when the Oscars are. Should be mildly interesting.

I wish the summer would get here already.

~ Sparks Out ~

FAWM and Snow (Again)

Music: Silversun Pickups.

Mood: Something.

I’m a little behind in FAWM but I like the songs I’ve posted so far, so that’s good. My FAWMing weekend produced one recorded and posted song. At the rate I’m going I’m putting out two songs a week, which means I need to step it up to five songs the next two weeks. I love commenting on songs this year, I’ve been doing it a lot more. There is some really goooood stuff this FAWM (well there is every FAWM but still it’s good).

I just posted a two part song(s) and I really am proud of how they came out. I have a LOT of lyrics written, now if only my piano skills were up to par… I’m hoping to get some stuff done this weekend. There still is three weekends left to FAWM so I’m not that behind with four. It’s just strange for me to be behind though because I’m almost always ahead. This year though I just don’t have as much time. And recording is taking me longer then usual because I’m not doing it in one take and I’m adding vocal layers and effects and stuff.

Hi all FAWMer’s who come here! *waves*

We had more snow in the area. A lot more. And ice too. I’ve taken some really good photos and maybe I’ll post a few. I’ve even taken my album art for my FAWM album. I still have to finish making the cover art…

There is, I don’t even know how much snow out there now.  2 feet? 3? Something like that. Never before in my life have I seen this much snow at once. It’s quite amazing to me.

Singing lessons were canceled due to the snow, which is good and bad. Because although I wanted to go, I hadn’t practiced. So now I get to practice more this week. I’m working on Hello by Evanescence for my March recital. It’s coming along slowly. I need to practice more because I only have 6? Yeah, 6 weeks to get the timing and the rest of the song down.

I’ve been trying to cut down on my TV watching during FAWM but I can’t seem to. I can’t miss LOST! Heehee. I find though that when one takes on a challenge like this they can’t do music the whole time. You need to take breaks every once in a while or you might go so insane you break something.

I want to make brownies… Yum yum.

Not much to say besides being busy and FAWMing…

The Winter Olympics start tomorrow! That should be fun. I always look forward to the Olympics. My favorite sports in the winter are: figure skating, speed skating, some skiing is interesting, snowboarding, erm I can’t remember what else right now but I know there is one main one I’m missing… Huh, maybe I’ll remember later.

See what FAWM is doing to me?!?! I can’t remember simple things, too much song writing and staying up too late commenting on songs.

I’m behind in reading my latest book club book. It’s Scott Westerfeld’s new one Leviathan, which I still don’t know how to pronounce…

I changed the header on this blog thingie here. I thought after a year it was time. I might update it more this year like I said I was going to last year. I dunno if I will or not.

Time for me to go do things… None of which involve songwriting right now unfortunately.

~ Sparks Out ~